love

i should be doing homework.  i might be doing whatever i can to avoid dealing with myself.  i can't stop cleaning/organizing.  i even painted my nails, and i NEVER paint my nails.

but also trying to face myself.  sit with all the uncomfortable feelings.  i've been hating myself so much lately, and , as usual, been so worried about what people think of me.  i hate that i'm so bitterly jealous of other people--anyone who's prettier, anyone who people like more.  but i'm also trying to find a way to understand that all that jealousy comes of feeling that i lack those things, i'm trying to have empathy for myself instead of hating/yelling at myself for being bitter and jealous.  i'm trying not to do things to reassure myself that people like me/care about me, but try to find a way to like and care about myself.  it's really hard.  right now it involves a lot of tea and letting myself cry.  trying to find some sort of sturdy center, of what really matters, what i'm doing in this world. 

i think what really matters is compassion, and the work of compassion. 

also, my relationship is just breaking my heart.  so sad, my whole body hurts. 

before i start my homework this morning:

i got jspahr's new book in the mail this morning.  god i adore her.  i wish i could tell her how awesome i think she is, without seeming like a creeper.  *sigh.*

i'm at b&b.  which i kind of loathe, but is the best place to study.

i'm reading The Body in Pain: the making and unmaking of the world, which i think should be required reading for every single person ever born.  it is fantastic.  i want to talk about it in detail, but there's too much and i'm too inarticulate this morning (/always) and i wouldn't do it any justice.  but it completely shifts my most basic understanding, of everything.  which is painful.  but also awesome.  when i finish my annotation, i'll post it here--unless it's just awful.

the part i'm reading right now is all about the old testament, which of course i find fascinating.

good morning orphansparrow!  good morning I AM!

i love that we all write blogs and read each others blogs, it makes me so happy.  it's kind of like letters.  i love you guys!

added to my list of authors:  anne carson, julie carr (did i say her, before?), bhanu kapil.  and i absolutely cannot get jenny boully out of my head, i don't know why.  i'm totally in love.  one of the blurbs i read about her was something like, "it's so nice to read someone who believes so fully in love"  [i'm paraphrasing terribly, but that's the general idea]  and there is something about her that seems to, if not believe in love, at least let herself fall in love, and fall in love with falling in love.  i love it because she doesn't seem to have all the bitter edges of holding back out of fear, out of expecting to be broken hearted, and she seems to be fully in the broken heartedness when it comes, but still not bitter, and still somehow in love.  it seems so unabashed.  and like, she's not trying to be smarter than the experience.  [sorry, this is how inarticulate i am!]

okay, i'm going to go read now.

love!  =^^=

writers i am in love with [a very partial list]

jenny boully
selah saterstrom
maggie nelson
juliana spahr
danielle dutton

wild horses

today i watched the Misfits and it made me so sad.  i'm so lonely today.  i think i've been all shut up in my house too much, not talking to anyone.  the misfits makes me sad because i think Gay (Gable) is right, that there's no way to not be a killer in this world.  and i think Marilyn's right, that that's horrible.  and what are you supposed to do with that.  every time i watch the movie i get a different angle on it.  Marilyn hated it because Miller left out all the things about her he didn't like, like that she could be a monstrous bitch.  and she wanted to be seen for what she actually was.  and loved for what she actually was.  this time, watching the movie, i was so, so mad at Gay, for convincing her that she could trust him.  it gave me that awful sick feeling.  she looked sort of tired and fragile and at her limit, this time.  and it was like watching a horror movie where you know what's behind the door and you're like, don't open it, don't open it, but you know she's going to.  one thing i'd never really noticed before--I think it's because i usually don't quite watch the end scenes, they're so rough--the one thing i noticed this time was that Clift letting the horses go was like, this senseless act, but it righted the world.  it made it bearable.  that someone would do something so useless out of love.  i love love love marilyn monroe.