love

i should be doing homework.  i might be doing whatever i can to avoid dealing with myself.  i can't stop cleaning/organizing.  i even painted my nails, and i NEVER paint my nails.

but also trying to face myself.  sit with all the uncomfortable feelings.  i've been hating myself so much lately, and , as usual, been so worried about what people think of me.  i hate that i'm so bitterly jealous of other people--anyone who's prettier, anyone who people like more.  but i'm also trying to find a way to understand that all that jealousy comes of feeling that i lack those things, i'm trying to have empathy for myself instead of hating/yelling at myself for being bitter and jealous.  i'm trying not to do things to reassure myself that people like me/care about me, but try to find a way to like and care about myself.  it's really hard.  right now it involves a lot of tea and letting myself cry.  trying to find some sort of sturdy center, of what really matters, what i'm doing in this world. 

i think what really matters is compassion, and the work of compassion. 

also, my relationship is just breaking my heart.  so sad, my whole body hurts.